Improbable research: Going to great lengths for swear words | Education | The Guardian

Going to great lengths for swear words

What is the lengthiest spoken oath commonly required of witnesses in a formal legal trial? The answer seems to be 374 words, in the judicial courts of Burma, until at least the middle of the 19th century.

An English translation appears in Kenneth RH Mackenzie's 1853 book Burmah and the Burmese, published in London. Mackenzie writes: "The oath is written in a small book of palm leaves, and is held over the head of the witness."

Called The Book of Imprecations or The Book of the Oath, the slim volume also expresses the court's sentiments about any witnesses who would fudge facts. The court is fairly thorough in its wishes, touching on the most likely eventualities.

"May false witnesses die of bad diseases, be bitten by crocodiles, be drowned. May they become poor, hated of the king. May they have calumniating enemies, may they be driven away, may they become utterly wretched, may every one ill-treat them, and raise lawsuits against them. May they be killed with swords, lances, and every sort of weapon. May they be precipitated into the eight great hells and the 120 smaller ones. May they be tormented. May they be changed into dogs. And, if finally they become men, may they be slaves a thousand and ten thousand times. May all their undertakings, thoughts and desires ever remain as worthless as a heap of cotton burnt by the fire."

And so on.

The oath itself is all business. The deponent must say: "If I speak not the truth ... when I and my relations are on land, land animals, as tigers, elephants, buffaloes, poisonous serpents, scorpions, &c, shall seize, crush, and bite us, so that we shall certainly die. Let the calamities occasioned by fire, water, rulers, thieves, and enemies oppress and destroy us, till we perish and come to utter destruction. Let us be subject to all the calamities that are within the body, and all that axe without the body. May we be seized with madness, dumbness, blindness, deafness, leprosy and hydrophobia. May we be struck with thunderbolts and lightning, and come to sudden death. In the midst of not speaking truth, may I be taken with vomiting clotted black blood, and suddenly die before the assembled people.

"When I am going by water, may the water nats [spirits] assault me, the boat be upset, and the property lost; and may alligators, porpoises, sharks, or other sea monsters, seize and crush me to death; and when I change worlds, may I not arrive among men or nats, but suffer unmixed punishment and regret, in the utmost wretchedness, among the four states of punishment, Hell, Prita, Beasts and Athurakai."

After that and a lot more, the oath concludes with a few thoughts of hope and cheer. Then the witness, if he is still alive and not seized with madness, dumbness, blindness, deafness, leprosy or hydrophobia, testifies.

• Marc Abrahams is editor of the bimonthly Annals of Improbable Research and organiser of the Ig Nobel prize

Improbable research: Going to great lengths for swear words | Education | The Guardian

White Belgian youth who copied Michael Jackson | Education | The Guardian

Making the Mickey

Marc Abrahams on the long-jawed white Belgian youth who looks just like Michael Jackson

In 1997, a 24-year-old Belgian male requested that his head be reconstructed to make him resemble the singer Michael Jackson. Three plastic surgeons granted his wish. Their report about it, published in the journal Annales de Chirurgie Plastique et Esthetique, is a lovely read. The loveliness is partly in the detailed technical description, monochromatically in the set of before-and-after X-rays of the facial bones, and memorably in the medically stylish photographs that show the young man before and after his course of treatment.

The doctors are Maurice Mommaerts, Johan Abeloos, and H Gropp. Mommaerts and Abeloos are based at Hôpital Général Saint-Jean, in Bruges, Belgium. Gropp is at Diakoniehospital, in Bremen, Germany. This is how they describe the patient's challenge to them: "His quest was to obtain the facial features of Michael Jackson, his idol that he imitated professionally."

This was an unusual demand. The doctors explain that "normally, patients strive for an ideal, beautiful, normal contour [of the facial bones]. We were confronted with a patient who requested a three-dimensional overcorrection."

This was no ordinary young man. He impressed the doctors with the firmness of his desire, yes, but also with his detailed knowledge of his own craniofacial anatomy (especially his gonial angles and malar prominence).

This task, the doctors decided, was something they could do. "After thorough discussion and psychiatric analysis, we agreed to morph him in a way that all changes could be undone and that the tissues were not at risk for considerable permanent damage."

The case was both easy and hard. The surgeons immediately saw simple ways to rearrange the young man's chin and also his cheekbone arches. But how to achieve the desired posterior-mandibular augmentation? That was the puzzler; solving it would be a medical first.

The doctors rose to the posterior-mandibular augmentation challenge. They conquered it and, in so doing, made medical history. Two rounds of surgery did the trick. Full details are in their report.

But for non-specialists, the important thing may be a simple and comforting piece of knowledge. Yes, we now know, it is possible to surgically morph a long-jawed white Belgian youth so that he looks just like Michael Jackson.

And yet, a prominent institution that houses that particular type of individual suddenly has, at least potentially, a big problem. Hordes of people want to see him, touch him, admire him, maybe even serve legal papers on him. I found no reports of that happening with this Belgian doppelganger.

I suspect that is because the surgeons kept up with the medical literature, and had learned from a 1996 report in the journal Hospital Security and Safety Management. That instructional article, written in the wake of Jackson's dramatic collapse on a stage in New York City, is called: "Michael Jackson at Beth Israel: handling press, fans, gawking employees."

· Marc Abrahams is editor of the bimonthly magazine Annals of Improbable Research (www.improbable.com), and organiser of the Ig Nobel Prize

White Belgian youth who copied Michael Jackson | Education | The Guardian

Improbable Research Collection #119: MRI Sex

Improbable Research Collection #119: MRI Sex

Dr. Pek Van Andel, who won an Ig Nobel Prize for making the first MRI images of a couple's sex organs while those organs were in use, also made a video of the phenomenon. Here, more or less, is the world premiere of that video.

IF ANYBODY'S TRYIN' TO HELP, HERE'S MY DESCRIPTION FROM THE REMOVED VIDEO THAT I'M LOOKING FOR: ALVINO REY: ST. LOUIS BLUES (TALKING STEEL GUITAR PUPPET!) auf Netlog

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Alvino Rey's 'Talking Steel Guitar' could actually talk, giving Rey's orchestra its distinctive sound (some of Rey's critics called it a 'gimmick'). Rey played with virtuosic skill, demonstrating his guitar's 'singing' quality by manipulating the tone and volume controls. 'Stringy' (the guitar's nickname) was able to sound as if 'HE' were saying words. Of course 'Stringy' wasn't, but Luise King, Rey's wife was. In something that describes like a sexual fetish, Luise stood backstage with a small plastic tube connected between her mouth and Rey's amplifier, forming words with her lips and throat muscles. Rey would make her make 'IT' say his name as he glided the steel bar along the strings of his steel guitar, all while playing, perfectly dressed in a perfect tuxedo.

With the device, Rey and Luise were able to create eerie vocal sounds in four- or five-part harmony, which seemed to mysteriously emanate from the steel guitar.

**INVENTION**

Alvin McBurney (ALVINO REY) was born in 1908, and grew up in Cleveland. His first instrument was a banjo, which he tinkered with, attaching electrical wiring to amplify its twang through a radio loudspeaker. In the Spring of 1935 Rey was hired by the Gibson Guitar Corporation to produce a prototype pickup with engineers at the Lyon & Healy company in Chicago, based on the one he had developed for his own banjo. The result was incorporated into Gibson's first electric guitar.

*SKEETS HERFURT*

Arthur 'Skeets' Herfurt, (clarinetist) moved to California to work with Alvino Rey in the early 1940s. Following his stint with Rey, he worked as a studio musician in Hollywood, in addition to work with Benny Goodman in 1946-47. His studio credits into the '60s, include: Louis Armstrong, Jack Teagarden, and Stan Kenton. He worked with Goodman again in 1961 and 1964. Herfurt appeared in two of Rey's films, 'JAVA JIVE' and 'CIELITO LINDO,'he also appeared as a saxophonist in the 1958 film 'The Nightmare,'playing clarinet on the soundtrack. He was a member of Lawrence Welk's orchestra and weekly television show from 1979 to 1982.

THE PETE DRAKE /ALVINO REY CONNECTION

*Pete Drake's two most famous talking steel songs were 'Forever' and 'Lock, Stock and Teardrops'.

INTERVIEWER: How did your "Talking Guitar" come about?

PETE DRAKE: Well, everybody wanted this style of mine, but I sort of got tired of it. I'd say, "Hey, let me try and come up with something new," and they'd say, "I want you to do what you did on So-and-so's record." Now, I'd been trying to make something for people who couldn't talk, who'd lost their voice. I had some neighbors who were deaf and dumb, and I thought it would be nice if they could talk. So I saw this old Kay Kayser movie, and Alvino Rey was playing the 'talking guitar'--I thought, "Man, if he can make a guitar talk, surely I can make people talk." So I worked on it for about five years, and it was so simple that I went all around it, you know, like we usually do.

Alvino Rey died in Salt Lake City.
He was 95.

**ALVINO REY TRIVIA**

*He changed his name to Alvino Rey in 1929 to help fit in with a Latin music craze* The first electric guitar(Gibson Guitar's ES-150) prototype is kept in the Experience Music Project museum in Seattle* Alvino Rey claims to have been playing electric guitar before jazz guitar pioneer, Charlie Christian* One of the King girls married Rick Nelson* Rey became a Mormon on his marriage to Luise King in 1937* Rey recorded with crazed exotica bandleader Esquivel on RCA Victor* Rey was one of two ukulele players on the March, 1961 recording sessions for the Paramount movie "Blue Hawaii," backing Elvis Presley* Walt Disney eventually bought the rights to Sonovox and used in it cartoons for five years* Alvino used the unit for his band's opening theme, voicing the mantra, "Listen, Listen, Listen"* Sonovox dynamic throat units pre-dated plastic-tube, 'talking instrument' devices, still in use today* In the 1970's, Peter Frampton popularized the talkbox (Heil) on 'Frampton Comes Alive,' voicing a decidedly different sentiment*

**QUESTION FOR YOUTUBERS**

IS THIS CLIP FROM 'JAVA JIVE' OR 'CIELITO LINDO'?
WHAT'S THE NAME OF THE CREEPY UKULELE-PUPPET?

**THANKS TO YOUTUBERS, BOING BOING, WIKI, AND THE ORIGINAL POSTER FOR ALL RESOURCE MATERIAL.

NICHOPOULOOZA

Entdecken / Videos / ALVINO REY: ST. LOUIS BLUES (TALKING STEEL GUITAR PUPPET!) auf Netlog