Greatest Fashion Statements in Exploitation Cinema History

Love Train for the Tenebrous Empire

Greatest Fashion Statements in Exploitation Cinema History

The bespangled dhoti pants I saw at Top Shop recently have convinced me that fashion has utterly abandoned me for the time being. Lunatics have taken over the asylum, and I'm left holding a chopped-up "Zombie versus Shark" t-shirt as the only evidence that I've purchased any clothing at all in the past several months. In the spirit of escapism (and working through my post-Halloween-partum depression), let's take a look at some of the incredible fashion statements that come to us from cinema.

Lady Diabolik-style striptease outfit from "Satanik." It pains me in no small measure that I don't have a job where this would be the uniform. I need to start my lucrative career in cat-burglary STAT. Speaking of which--why doesn't anybody talk about cat-burglary anymore?

This hair-collar greatcoat from "Blood for Dracula" is only one of the reasons I adore Udo Kier's portrayal of a foppish, decaying, aristocratic Count.

Ilsa's formalwear in "Ilsa: Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks" inspires me to new heights of cutting up my clothing. I'm pretty sure the assistance of her two hench-babes is crucial to being able to get *into* and *out of* this particular get-up.

[Tie] Turban and natty suit from "Vengeance of the Zombies" and lucha libre masks with business casual attire in "Santo and Blue Demon vs. Dracula and the Wolfman." What I'm trying to say is: HEADGEAR, gentlemen. Get all over that junk. It's unpossible for me to choose between the quiet sophistication of a swami's turban or the rough-and-ready machismo of a Mexican wrestling mask. Protip: Choose one OR the other--both would just be gauche.

The she-sheik getup from "Modesty Blaise" exemplifies how the ladies can work this look into their apparel. Much as I didn't dig "Modesty Blaise" as a film, I just can't get the fashions out of my mind! Everyone looked simply gorgeous in this film. Let's take a moment to collectively swoon over the sheer amount of groovy on display here, shall we? *swoon*

Wallenberg's wardrobe in "Salon Kitty" is jaw-droppingly elaborate and sumptuous in every scene. This character has got more wardrobe changes than Madonna, and I love him for that.

Carol Hammond's wardrobe in "Lizard in a Woman's Skin" is actually a look I've been striving to emulate for some time in actual f'reals non-ironic real life. I don't have Florinda Balkan's icy severity, so I just come off looking like a very small, somewhat spazzy witchfinder general. I like to think that just means I've put my own stamp on the theme.

Mr. Tiger in "Virgins from Hell" is the coolest motherfucker on the planet. Make no goddamn mistake about that.

[Tie] Body paint in "Beyond the Valley of the Dolls" and "The Case of the Bloody Iris." No, really--YOU try to choose whether Haji or Edwige wore it better. I double dog dare you.

The zebra coat and oversized hat from "Dorian Gray" are just astonishing. It is to my eternal consternation that Baron XIII still refuses to don this outfit, even though I've told him that the internet demands it of him.