September 3, 2009Blog - I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell
I’ve always loved Boston.
Don’t get me wrong–there are so many things wrong with that city, and yes it’s easy to hate, but everyone knows what’s wrong with Boston. What I think people forget is that, even with all it’s problems, Boston is full of fun people who care about things, like to drink, and has an assload of hot college girls. Sign me up. As long as you aren’t trying to integrate their schools, Boston is great.
We had a great fucking show there last night. 520+ people, loud, raucous and ready to party. Some of the highlights from the pre-show:
-Nils is a huge baseball fan, and his team is the Oakland A’s. As a result, he has a pathological hatred for the Yankees, and I made the mistake of asking him who he hated more, the Red Sox or the Yankees, and with all the Red Sox fans there egging him on, he got a little worked up:
Nils: I fucking hate the Yankees. I hate Don Mattingly and everyone who has ever played for the Yankees.
Tucker: What about Paul O’Neill?
Nils: I think Paul O’Neill is a giant ostrich-headed faggot. I hate Jorge Posada. I even hate Jorge Posada’s retarded baby.
Tucker: You hate a baby?
Nils: Hate. I will say again, I hate Jorge Posada’s retarded baby.
Tucker: You gotta say it ‘retah-dead,’ like with a Boston accent. Then it’s funny.
Nils: His baby had a unibrow at 18 months. That’s not a baby, it’s an alien. Fuck him, and Joe Torre, even though he left.-I start to introduce the Tell A Story part of the show, when:
Tucker: We usually wait a couple minutes for the stragglers to come in, but…
Girl in audience: Whoo!
Nils: Yea, tardiness is awesome!
Tucker: It’s Boston, she spent 100 years cheering for losers. She’ll cheer for anything now.-Guy stands up who looks kinda gay:
Guy: Everyone needs to know that before this I had a wretched history of blow jobs. So…
Tucker: It takes a lot of practice to get good at it, doesn’t it buddy?
Nils: He’s got Peter Gammons’ teeth. That’s how he got his overbite.-Guy tells a story about yelling Shazam after cumming:
Tucker: Why’d you say Shazam?
Random guy in audience: That’s his favorite movie.
Tucker: Give this guy a beer pong kit! Hey, Prince of Persia, hurry up over here. Pretend you’re buying real estate. He’s a Persian Jew, so it’s funny. [Note: Prince of Persia is my nickname for one of the gophers working on tour, because he actually is Persian and Jewish.]-Guy tells story about how he brought a girl back, she had a lot of pubes, and he demanded that she shave:
Guy: So this girl’s snatch looked like a fucking bonsai tree.
Tucker: Wait, so it was prickly and weird shaped? Or was it Japanese?
Guy: I told her, “There’s a razor and shaving cream, you better come back with a clean pussy.”
Tucker: I do not believe you had the balls to say that to a girl. You are not getting enough ass that you are turning pussy down. Don’t give him that! [As Prince of Persia tries to hand him a beer pong kit] Give him money so he can lose his virginity, because that’s the only way he’s getting ass.
Nils: There’s gotta be more, because when she shaves, the penis has to show, right?
Guy: No this girl ended up becoming the ex-girlfriend that I dated for four years.
Tucker: Hold on, you made her shave her bonsai tree and then dated her for four years… Is there a punch line or the punch line just your life?
Bill: Don’t make fun of him, he embroidered his Affliction shirt himself.-Guy starts to tell a story about how he ran into an old hookup at this screening, unexpectedly, and now she’s sitting next to him:
Tucker: Unless this story ends with you fucking her in the bathroom, it’s a disaster.
Nils: Go there right now and have sex with her.
Tucker: Both of you, leave now! Go have sex!!
[They leave, audience cheers]
Tucker: Alright, security — kick those two out.-Guy starts telling some rambling story about how the Red Sox were on strike:
Nils: Wait, I know you’re Italian so you speak with your hands, but you need to keep the one with the mic in front of your face.
Tucker: We’ll give you three beer pong kits if you can talk without moving your hands.
[he says two words]
Tucker: Look, you’re moving your fingers, you’re cheating.
Guy: [Gets to the punchline] I went down to right field and banged her in the stands her a Red Sox game.
Nils: Who were they playing?
Guy: I don’t know, but Wes Chamberlain hit a homerun in the bottom of the ninth to win it. Couldn’t tell you who the opposition was.
Nils: I don’t believe you. I would have remembered the starting pitchers, the relief…
Guy: Hey buddy, I don’t know any of that shit, but I do know Johnny Pesky isn’t the only one with a pole in right field, I’ll tell you that much!
Tucker: AWESOME! WINNER!
Nils: Get this man a fucking beer pong kit, well played!-Another guy with a backwards hat tells a story:
Guy: This girl got her period while I was having sex with her. Tucker: Wait, she got her period while you were having sex with her? She didn’t have it before?
Guy: No.
Tucker: How long were you fucking her for, a week?
Nils: This isn’t ‘Seven,’ you didn’t have something attached to your dick.
Tucker: Give him some handi-wipes instead of a beer pong kit.-Guy tells story about how he shits and pukes at the same time:
Tucker: Are you fucking kidding me? Then you stabbed somebody, right? Did you break the toilet? Did your fucking spleen come out of your ass? Why the fuck did you stand up and tell that story? You have to be a Yankee fan. You’re more retarded than Jorge Posada’s kid.
Nils: Don’t steal my retarded baby joke!
Tucker: Look at this crowd–there’s enough ree-tahrd jokes there for all of us. Hip hip Jor-ge!!-A skinny white guy in a Public Enemy shirt stands up:
Tucker: A skinny white dude in a Public Enemy shirt. There is no way this story will be good.
Nils: Is your dad Tom McCulloch?
[Tells story about how he uses Sega Genesis and video games to hook up with girls]
Tucker: Are you fucking serious?
Nils: You either go to MIT or you teach at a middle school.
Guy: I took her back and she blew me while I played NBA Jam.
Nils: Then I stabbed her with my 20-sided die! I’m the dungeon-master!
Tucker: She was a level-70 wizard. She cast a spell of date rape on me, and I finally lost my virginity!-There were like 4 press interviews scheduled for after the movie. I am pretty sure that our pre-show and Q&A offended the press so much they left without interviewing us. Oh well, you know I say: If they can’t take a joke, fuck’em.
So many other funny things:
-Jennifer LaMacchia, Nils’ wife and also a co-executive producer on the movie, when discussing whether or not to buy a plane:
Jen: Lease it. You know the saying; if it flies, floats or fucks, you’re better off renting.
Tucker: Fucks? Are you including yourself in that?
Jen: No. Nils and I only make love.-This girl came on the tour bus to fuck me, and had a motorcycle helmet with her:
Nils: You should make her wear the helmet when you fuck her.
Tucker: No way. That’d be like fucking Darth Vader.-Oh yeah, there were some protesters there, but it was the saddest group of protesters I’ve ever seen (pics here). I am still waiting for a protester to answer the question, “If Tucker hates women, why does he have so many female fans? Why is half of each screening women?” They have no answer, so they just keep ignoring the question.
I am pretty sure there are lots of other funny things I forgetting, but considering that I am typing this up in the only two hours I have this morning before doing 8 straight hours of junket interviews for NYC press, it’ll have to do. I’ll update it with more content later. The NYC write-up may be a few days late in coming as well, b/c I am barely going to have time to breather over the next two days.
-Pictures from Boston Premiere
-Video from Boston [coming soon]
Previous Recaps and Videos:
Premiere #13: Philadelphia [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]
Premiere #12: State College [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]
Premiere #11: College Park [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]
Premiere #10: Washington DC [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]
Premiere #9: Blacksburg [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]
Premiere #8: Raleigh [Tucker's recap] [Video recap*]
Special Bonus: The SeX-ray Video
Premiere #7: Columbia [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]
Special Bonus: Tucker and Nils Q&A, part 2
Premiere #6: Gainesville [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]
Premiere #5: Tallahassee [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]
Special Bonus: Tucker and Nils Q&A, part 1
Premiere #4: Athens [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]
Premiere #3: Atlanta [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]
Premiere #2: Seattle [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]