How to talk to your teenager about sex
Talking to your teen about sex and relationships may seem like a daunting task, but there are a number of reasons why it's an important thing to do.
1. Talking about sex and relationships helps kids stay safe and healthy
Teenagers from families where parents talk openly about sex have sex later and are more likely to use contraception.2. Your children care what you think
They may not say it to you, but research with young people says they want to be able to talk to their parents about things that matter. And that includes talking about sex and relationships: not just the biology, but how they're feeling and how to cope with the ups and downs of teenage relationships.3. Teenagers make mistakes
It’s hard being a teenager and balancing taking risks with being responsible. Talking can help them to be independent but stay safe and healthy."We’d had sex education at school, and girls coming in to tell us about pregnancy, but I didn’t ever think it would happen to me," says 17-year-old mum Isabella.
4. Try not to be judgemental
Talking about TV storylines is a good way to bring up the subject without making it personal.But however shocked you may be about a storyline, it’s important to reassure your child that you’d always want them to tell you about any problem, however big it is.
5. Start young
As soon as a child starts talking, they may ask questions about their body. Keep your answers simple and honest. It will make them feel more comfortable talking about sex in the future. Avoiding a question about sex will make them think sex and relationships are difficult or embarrassing to talk about, and that could affect how they talk to you, and to any future boyfriend or girlfriend.6. Teenagers want basic information
A survey by young people’s helpline Get Connected found that 50% of teenagers who called weren’t in a crisis; they just wanted basic information about sex but didn’t feel they could talk to their parents or teachers.'When my mum sees someone on TV talking about sex, she gets angry, saying ‘if that was my child…’. If she’s like that about someone on TV, what would she be like if I said anything?' Katema, 17, student
7. What if I don’t talk with my children?
Not talking about sex can affect young people for the rest of their lives. They may pick up the message that sex is wrong or something that should be kept secret. That’s not a healthy attitude, and it will make it harder for them to ask for important advice.8. Just because they look embarrassed...
...doesn't mean they’re not listening. Talking about sex might make both of you cringe, but it’s too important to avoid. Think how much harder it would be to find out that your daughter was pregnant or your son had a sexually transmitted infection (STI). By talking about sex and relationships, you are helping your teenager learn how to protect their health and wellbeing.9. Listen first, then talk
There’s no need to hurry. Take some time to gain your child’s trust. Ask them questions and listen to their answers. Try to find out how much they know. That way, you won’t patronise or confuse them.10. 'I’m available' isn’t enough
According to teenagers, parents who say, 'If you want to know anything, just ask' are avoiding the issue. Be pro-active sometimes: talk to your children and fill any gaps in their knowledge.11. Make sure they know about safer sex
Your child needs to know how to avoid pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Condoms help protect against STIs and pregnancy, and young people can get them free from community contraception clinics, young people's services, genitourinary medicine (GUM) and sexual health clinics and some general practices. There are lots of methods of contraception to choose from (see Useful links). Even if your child uses another form of contraception to protect against pregnancy, they can still use condoms to protect against STIs.12. If your child is gay
Everyone, regardless of their sexuality, needs to know about safer sex messages, including how to help protect themselves against sexually transmitted infections and unintended pregnancy. Condoms and dental dams offer some protection against both.Women and girls who have sexual contact with other females can get and pass on sexually transmitted infections so it’s important they know how to help protect themselves (see Sexual health for women). Men and boys who have sexual contact with other males need to use condoms to protect themselves against sexually transmitted infections (see Sexual health for men).
If your child is gay they still need to know about contraception. People who identify as gay or lesbian might have sexual contact with people of the opposite sex, so it’s important that they know about contraception and avoiding unintended pregnancy.
Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (see Useful links) is a national voluntary organisation and registered charity that has parents' groups and a telephone helpline on 0845 652031.
Parentline Plus and fpa (formerly the Family Planning Association) offer information on sex, relationships and talking to your teenage child. See Useful links.
Watch the video
In this video, teenagers describe how they came to terms with being gay and how they each found their unique way to tell their family and friends.
Last reviewed: 18/12/2008