"$100 Million Or The Kids!" This is an eight page story, but the only "news" we learned is that IF Debbie Rowe doesn't try to get custody of Michael Jackson's kids, she COULD get $100 million. But! IF she does seek custody, she COULD get $50-$100 million to keep the kids in the style to which they are accustomed. Moving on: Just so you know, this is the "Summer Of K-Rod." Meaning Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez. Robert Pattinson is so stressed out by stalkery fans that he has "retreated into his own private world." This means the crew of Remember Me has "essentially stuck Rob in a box, constructing a seven-foot high enclosure from material screens where the actor retreats between takes." Lastly, Jennifer Aniston has a "high school crush" on Bradley Cooper. She's not worried by the fact that he recently went on a date with Renée Zellweger — a pal says: "It looks like Needy Edie is throwing herself all over him. We joke about how Renée's face stopped moving a few years ago. I doubt Jennifer will see her as competition."
Grade: F (bombed building full of rubble)
"It's Over!" If you believed that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart were actually dating, then you may believe that he has dumped her for Emilie de Ravin. Though a Remember Me insider says: "I haven't seen any overt flirting between Robert and Emilie on the set." Yawn. The story titled "Britney's Revenge" has the subhead: "The singer's in the best shape of her life, while ex Kevin has packed on weight." "Michael's Worst Nightmare" is that the kids will have exposure to Joe Jackson. Except in the same damn paragraph, it says, "He's always been allowed to see his grandchildren." So the only cause for concern would be Joe exploiting the kids for financial gain, not that there's any evidence of that. Some "prominent" citizens of the city — including two Tulane professors — want Brad Pitt to be the new mayor of New Orleans. Will he run? Twelve days after going on a dinner date with Jennifer Aniston, Bradley Cooper went to dinner with Renée Zellweger (with whom he's working on a movie). There was no "Dr. Rey's Casebook" this week. Lastly, Rihanna tattooed her tattoo artist! The singer inked a tiny umbrella with an R on the handle for him and two other guys at the tattoo shop (Fig. 1).
Grade: D- (burned, charred house)
"Explosive Tell-All Book" So. Ian Halperin, who's been writing an unauthorized biography of Michael Jackson for a while, is leaking all kinds of crap from his book. The book alleges that Michael liked having sex with men — not boys — and once picked up a construction worker in Las Vegas. There are also some weird pictures of Neverland— taken in 1993 — in which there are male mannequins posed in a room like they are talking to each other. Moving on: "Who Looks Better For Their Age?" Has John Mayer, Kristin Davis and Ellen Page as winners (Fig. 2). Did you know that Lourdes Got braces? (Fig. 3) Oh, look, our LEAST FAVORITE KIND OF STORY: "Cellulite Hits Stars Younger Than Ever!" Over six pages, the mag tries to shame Lauren Conrad, Hilary Duff, Jamie Lynn Spears and Mischa Barton for having dimples on their thighs. The mag talks to docs who blame cellulite on partying, having a baby, genetics and being thin (!!). Though one doctor says: "The thighs, butt and hips are genetically programmed to store fat." Groundbreaking. Angelina is "escaping" to France, where she will stay with the kids while Brad Pitt travels to Indonesia and Brazil for film projects. The mag spins this story as though Angie needs to spend time alone, instead of "Brad has work to do." Lastly: "Who Wore It Better? Kids' Special!" Seriously, they've got children competing for best dressed. And naturally, Suri Cruise wins her category (Fig. 4).
Grade: D (flooded home)
"Inside Their Shattered World." This is by far, the sleaziest of the rags, with cover lines like "Who Will Be Our Mom?" and "Coroner: Michael Wanted To Die." A family friend says that the kids' isolated life has left them socially awkward, and they don't know how to act around anyone who is not family, a nanny or a bodyguard. Sometimes they even revert to infantile behavior like thumb-sucking or clinging to security blankets. A psychologist who does not treat them says, now that their father has died, "The kids could become very anxious and depressed." OBVIOUSLY. An eyewitness who was in the emergency room when Michael was brought in says that she overheard a female official from the coroner's office tell a cop: "The Jackson family strongly believes that Michael wanted to die. The family said he was very depressed for a long time, and they wanted to know what he used to kill himself." Ugh. Ugh! Then there's a quote from a "source" close to Michael, who says: "He wrote suicide notes, and then tore them up. He even kept one with him." His past as an abused child and his depression were what he discussed in the note. Allegedly. Moving on: Madonna and Guy Ritchie have reconnected over his support of her adoption of Mercy. "Flirt Alert!" Lance Bass and Dustin Lance Black — screenwriter of Milk — met in a VIP section of an NYC club. They talked! They danced! Dustin left at midnight; Lance "slipped out ten minutes later." Johnny Depp has a whole room in his London house devoted vampires, which he uses to relax, meditate and be alone. Oh snap: Miley Cyrus's best friend Mandy Jiroux is hooking up with Miley's ex Justin Gaston. Brad Pitt got an ultimatum from Angelina Jolie! An insider says that after his Moneyball shoot was canceled, "Angelina sat him down at the kitchen table and sternly told him, 'You must be with me this summer — it's not an option.'" She threatened to leave him if he said no, but Brad had an ultimatum of his own! He wants to settle down in one place, and can't stand the constant globe-trotting. Whatevs. Kate Gosselin wants her twins, Cara and Mady, to be the next Mary-Kate and Ashley. A rep for the Gosselins contacted a record label to talk about the possibility of the twins making a children's album. Kate wants them to have toys, clothing and TV shows. Did Anna Paquin and True Blood's Stephen Moyer hook up before he'd broken up with his girlfriend of seven years — who is also the mother of his child? He says he and Anna had chemistry from the start, and that they tried to keep things professional as long as they could, but it was "unstoppable." Lastly: Continuing with the sleaze, there's a story about a fight at Farrah Fawcett's funeral — Griffin O'Neal, who was banned from the ceremony, showed up anyway.
Grade: D+ (structure infiltrated by toxic mold)
"Truth About His Kids." A friend of dermatologist Arnold Klein visited Michael and the kids Christmas 2008 — along with Arnold Klein and Carrie Fisher. The mag has the pictures to prove it! Arnold Klein and Carrie Fisher are friends, and Michael's kids love Star Wars, so Michael introduced her to his children as "Princess Leia." And she did the "help me Obi-Wan" speech for them! This magazine also claims that Debbie Rowe once admitted that Michael Jackson was not the biological father of his children — and didn't want to have biological kids — because he was afraid of giving them vitiligo. And Debbie Rowe said she married MJ "to prevent the taboo of having a child out of wedlock." A source says that Rowe knew MJ was a drug addict, but didn't care, as long as it didn't hurt the kids — but did want the nanny to be present 24 hours a day. There's also some weird stuff about the Nation of Islam and Michael Jackson's secret Nazi memorabilia. And! Another source says Michael was "as addicted to eBay as he was to drugs." He'd get high and stay up all night buying things. WHO DOESN'T? By the by, Debbie Rowe claims she slept with Brad Pitt before he was famous. And Michael Jackson was angry with Justin Timberlake because in 2001, they were staying at the same hotel, and JT was having "really loud sex" with then-girlfriend Britney Spears. Michael sent a security team to make them go quiet down. Diana Ross was "shocked" when she found out that she's named as back-up guardian in the will, because she thinks her kid-raising days are behind her. Sigh. Moving on: Lindsay Lohan turned down a role in The Hangover because she thought the script had "no potential." Or maybe she didn't want play a stripper. Again. Lastly: If you love sparkle vamp Robert Pattinson, you'll love these outtakes from a Rolling Stone shoot that never got published. A sampling? Sure! (Fig. 5)
Grade: C (termites in foundation)