(909): why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
(903): I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
(386): First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
(413): i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
(303): these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
(303): now he is talking to a potato
(303): .....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
(513): well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
(541): If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
(978): my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
(631): Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
(856): Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
(631): And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
(540): she looked like the before picture.
(262): Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
(734): Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
(585): Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
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More from 909
(903): I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"(386): First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.(413): i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung(303): these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup