The King of Pop meets Elvis in heaven
Remember that bad storm that plowed through here on Friday afternoon? Skip Waters and all of the other local forecasters who haven't been fired because they make too much money said it was caused by a cold front, but I ain't buying it.
I think the atmospheric disturbance was caused by the heavenly meeting of Elvis Presley and Michael Jackson.
On paper, it would seem both of these men have a lot in common. Elvis was a worldwide superstar, had a daughter named Lisa Marie Presley and died young due to complications brought on by a drug probelm.
Michael Jackson was a worldwide superstar, was once married to Lisa Marie Presley and died young (allegedly) due to complications brought on by a drug problem.
They also both left this world as pasty white men.
When Michael passed through the pearly gates Thursday, Elvis had his driver pick Michael up in a Cadillac. When the car reached the Graceland North section of heaven, Michael got out of the car and knocked on the door. Elvis opened the door and invited him in.
"So, you're the King of Pop, huh?" Elvis inquired.
"That's right, coo pooh!" Jackson squealed in his characteristic style while gripping himself in an area I'm not allowed to mention in this family publication.
"What's with the one glove?" Elvis asked. "Fingerprints can still be lifted from the other hand."
Hearing that comment, Michael kicked Elvis in his formidable stomach and moonlighted up the side of his head. Elvis countered with a hip swivel and a karate chop that saw Jackson's nose fly right off his head.
Elvis then looked on in horror as Jackson pulled another nose out of his pocket, attached it to his face and - in the great French tradition - smacked his opponent in the face with his 5-pound sequined glove.
Just at that moment, Ray Charles busted though the door and grabbed them both by the ear.
"You two should be ashamed of yourselves," Ray said. "You're both great artists, so why must you fight?"
MJ and Elvis both knew Ray was right. They shook hands and called a truce.
"Besides, neither one of you would have a career without me," Ray said. "I think I'm going to crash here for a while."
After relaxing on one of Elvis' couches, Ray said, "Michael, since you're the King of Pop, go get me a Diet Pepsi. And here's your ear back."
"How about a Diet Coke?" Jackson asked.
"Whatsit I say?" Ray said.
Ray then turned his attention to Elvis.
"Elvis, go make me one of those peanut butter, banana and bacon sandwiches you're always talking about," he said.
The three music legends then spent the rest of the day dining on manner pastiches and Diet Pepsi, which made quite a mess. As Elvis and Michael started to clean up the mess, Ray told them to sit down.
"Don't worry about the mess," Ray said. "Billy Mays will be here in a few minutes."
Jon Dawson can be reached at (252) 559-1083 or at jdawson@freedomenc.com.