See Ya at What Gets Me Hot

1987, Honolulu, who blazes his twilight, his rippling sea, its beach sabloie. A series of shots of the paradise islands of Hawaii to scroll the screen. Acclimatization decor lasts twenty seconds when suddenly, bam! plan nipple, Pif! disguised advertising for the film " Malibu Express "And poof! a gunfight at the con! He barely held five minutes of film and all the elements are already in place. The tropical scenery, the ass, the big guns: welcome home Andy SidarisThe king of action movie consumptive honolulesque!

The pre-credits sequence of "Fatal Trap in Hawaii" alone contains the characteristic features of the Andy Sidaris Film:
1 - Hawaii; 2 -- bimbos topless; 3 - From the product-placement (see " Malibu Express ") 4 - Action.
He died recently (early March 2007, which made this column a kind of homage) Andy Sidaris was a deserter from the U.S. television became the manager of a family business of film production (his wife is a producer, his son is attending his cousins were extras, Mr Gaston does the dresser ...), located on the side of the Archipelago Hawaii, where his name evokes Malibu Bay Film. From 1985 to 1998, clan Sidari has signed a dozen bands that developers think they have managed to flog the whole world through video and cable channels. Films compounds according to the recipe's unchanging Direct to video 80s: the action and pretty girls in sets of dreams. Nothing really new in short (Fred Olen Ray and many others use the same vein), except that the grub of Andy Sidaris is unique in that all ingredients are made in overdose. No question of complacency in the 50% equity / 50% sexy usually touted by the VHS covers. Andy, you see, everything is 100%! 100% action and 100% ass! It is also sometimes 100% idiot and 5 / 5 mark in nanardise, but we shall return ... To achieve this, the idea is simple: Just replace the usual Rambos, vigilantes, cops or soldiers by pine squalid, never-ups, flanked by thugs (they pushcart) recruited from the Chippendales and who were previously grafted a cock in the skull. The police side of the plot did not win honestly in reality but at least it multiplies there opportunities to plan and sequence tit-fucking!

The FBI in Hawaii, according Andy Sidaris.

The friends of our heroines. Will there ever sillier than these two clown?
Over time, Sidari will win a piece of loyal fans among fans of such Series B Girls with Guns (which combines pell mell works Cirio H. Santiago, Ted V. Mikels and some Asian fetish) and a solid reputation among fans of Z-series of nanars and other lovers of film unidentified objects, as it is true that as "cults" are the man and his approach, we must recognize the low overall quality of these films to hazardous breakdowns, scenarios and dialogues deficient, which in most cases, postcards take the place of transition and music directing. Andy has he ever had, moreover, any artistic ambition? Everything here is some reason to explosions and the exhibition of playmates saucy among two replicas to the punch. And my faith, can be satisfied.

Allez hop! Well ... This plan bichon free and without the chronic use is offered by Nanarland.
In this regard, the cast of "Fatal Trap in Hawaii" which runs in a splendid generic taped on wooden boxes (?!) Is fully representative of the author's intentions. The parity is not respected and the imbalance, for once, is largely in favor of girls. Actresses little known but all have them at least two things in common: that of having each during their career to win a place or another award of Miss Wet T-shirt and that have previously lent their support to wildlife documentaries produced by Playboy Channel. This gives an idea of the skill level required for Working at Sidari and, incidentally, it also provides a partial explanation for play catastrophic interpreters.

The film's credits, in the middle of a scene warehouse any pasted on the containers and forklifts labeled "Honolulu" mega class.
The two heroines "Dona" and "Karine" are interpreted by Playmates Donna Speir and Hope Marie Carlton (Paris Hilton was already taken and Ginette Sofitel, not posh enough!) That has trouble distinguishing one the other at the start - it's Bimbo Bimbo and the story! - But it ends right there even with a little concentration. I give you something to identify them: Hope Marie is the one all the time naked and that sort of nonsense and that Donna is one that has big breasts and playing poorly.

Donna Speir and Hope Marie Carlton (and vice versa).
But beware, eh! Do not be misled into thinking either that Sidari employs only second-class actors. Because in "Deathtrap in Hawaii, there are stars and I would say even less: the guest stars! As such, and it is hardly credible in a modest production, the famous arch Kwan Hi Lim in the role of Henry. Well, okay, I do not know who it is, but I can assure you that it's a guest star because it's written in words on a wooden pallet in the credits.
But there is also - and then there let me tell you it sends large - nothing less than great, nay, the overwhelming ... Peter Bromilow. Shit! Peter Bromilow! It's still not the Fiott!
- Oh, who is?
- Uh ... well, it's Peter Bromilow, whatever. The guy who played uh ... (p'tain, imdb, Viiite!) ... Who played the role of Andrew in the pilot episode of "Eight Is Enough" and the judge's role in "Break Street 84 '.
- Ah ouiii Peter Bromilooooow!
- And yeah! Peter Bromilow!
Peter Bromilow, therefore, who plays here, in two small scenes unnecessary, the head of the chief villains, a Chinese called "Chung" (just like all Chinese, the rest). A role of composition always difficult to address is when a white man born in the suburbs of London but, having said that, he does it well: he squints like that - Gni! Gni! Gni! - We believe it!

Peter Bromilow is Chung.
But one question and one question while you are sitting, Andy Sidaris turns and the plot progresses. Imagine that while I presented the actors, our two fliquette Hawaii have filled in an imbroglio failed: a history-tourist reptilian background of diamond smuggling and string twine. Awful, awful, awful!
Our two FBI agents loose in Hawaii must convey air and in the same movement:
1) A tourist couple on their honeymoon to a deserted island
2) A venomous snake up his vivarium.
But not just any tourists and not just any snake, no, who participated in the photo charm with Polaroid (is there a quota to meet erotic scenes!) And a snake that is I quote, "for the Department of Health and has been contaminated with deadly toxins have been extracted in lab rats infected. So venomous, the beast that "according to the calculations of the ministry, he would poison himself with his own toxins within 36 hours. Gasp!

A specimen Serpens nanarus contaminus. A creature in the classification of animals hunters Nanard man is placed in second place of danger, just behind Mike Danton.

Tourists. "Yes, go my dear! Move your body! But ... but ... Aaaargh!"
And all this being charged by the FBI to remotely control, with the support of both bellâtres, against a dangerous gang of smugglers headed by diam's some Romero, a "empaffé" (as we are reminded several times in the film), lookalike ofArnold Schwarzenegger in his spare time, assisted by three constables, a mustache, a fat and a top class villain to mirror glasses. The routine, whatever.

The villains. Warning! The top left is a empaffé.
At first all goes well, the snake is in his body (and there is more foam!), The lovers is nice (they are fiddling with the air of nothing ...) and the aircraft file through moult green landscape background of funky 80's music. Everything is going so well that it would be all a bit boring: 10 minutes of flight over Hawaii, no plan bichon, hey ho! How it goes, eh, Sidari!

But fortunately, Donna Speir is worth it ...
And then, suddenly, everything starts with lollipop. The weather sets in, the masks fall, fly bra.
On the island where they deposited the tourists, our heroines find a miniature helicopter containing packages of dubious origin and illico were assaulted by thugs they rid themselves through their extensive knowledge of kung-fu erotic (which is to how to beat anyone in clothes too tight and super tight).

"Oh, a helicopter scoundrels!" "Here, take this, villain!" "Zwiki! Chtonk" Ouch! " (and if not, did you saw my short grinding there, Andy?)
Faced with this assault impromptu, they have the reaction that is needed: "Let us prepare a bath, thinking that this is the best!" (C'mon!)

Our heroines think: "Oh The package contains the helicopter diamonds" (and if not, can you see my tits well, then, Andy?).
Of the crotch, uh ... Meanwhile, forgiveness, Romero "the empaffé" comes to retrieve his diamonds he gets a shot in the head that does the scratching. By thereupon v'la ty that the snake bar his case to go tuck tourists on their island (two hours flying, crawling, it is reasoned, the bastard!) And to top it all, it is at this precise moment that the writer decides once and for all that no longer give a damn about anything.

"Species of empaffé!" BANG!
What was already a detective story softies then becomes more than a vague excuse to cram in a haphazard action scenes crétinoïdes degumming of henchmen between two planes shameless tits falling steadily as a hair pie the hair (like "contact our hostess bar the Edy's has been kidnapped! Quick, we must prepare a plan to free this poor woman! Uh ... And if we kissed all night?").

An erotic scene unexpectedly, Playboy Centerfold atmosphere of the poor.
The plot we also brilliantly summed up by one of the playmates of the FBI in these words: "the snake escaped and found a way to pierce the mouth of the man most bastard of the archipelago !. That's about all there is to know: on one side of evil who want revenge and a snake killer, on the other, the heroines and their friends in the oily bodies. All this beautiful world will meet and compete during the action scenes of the utmost weakness, provided, of course, through dialogues at the height of the event, mostly bursts of humor fat Tap below the waist and thin replicas of warriors or playboys who are satisfied laugh more often when nothing is supposed to be funny.

One of the most effective gags of the film:
"- What can I serve you?"
"- Uh ... A pair of coffee!"

From action to its top level: bellâtres versus henchman Roller (and a friend latex).
Periodically, the female comes to reveal its charms in the most perfect and free Andy Sidaris, No scruples stifle decidedly took advantage here and there to do a little self-promotion casant in the scenery and dialogue references to his previous films.

Soliciting shamelessly, we are shown at length Poster " Malibu Express "Shame on the pretext that the actor of the film is the cousin of one of bellâtres!

Hey! A close up of the German poster of "Seven" (a film by ... guess who).
So much so that after an hour of this scheme is already in a state of total bewilderment that is gathered by the stage most branque that ever came out of the large brain sick Andy Sidaris: the scene of the killer frisbee which is the cost to the spectacles upscale henchman.

How to return to his advantage the passion of a thug for the Frisbee (View the video clip here).
After that, it only remains for the film to unfold quietly his many other discoveries made Nanard action scenes both corny and grotesque: an attack in a microlight, a torture scene filmed by a female bodybuilder from all angles, some bike-massacre, the bazooka, a villain who never dies, a serpent invites himself in the bathroom and finally because it was clearly decided in high places no cliche nanar not we be spared the Traditional foam model which falls from a building.

The death of Chung, played with conviction by the lining-famous waterfall of Peter Bromilow.
And it was after an anthology of the finest shots of the film (15 boobs centimeter square Pelloohe approximately) one takes leave of Andy Sidaris and his fine team of Zouaves, after having been entitled to some sunsets paradise of good quality. For it is well known, is in Hawaii that everything begins and ends. "Hawaii, gem set on the jewel of the Pacific, the place to be seen but you would not want to die ... Species empaffés!".