SEO

January 15, 2011

Puʻu ʻŌʻō! Are you ready to RUMBLE?

Puʻu ʻŌʻō

Pu`u `O`o Crater Movies

Pu`u `O`o Flank Vent Movies

 
Puʻu ʻŌʻō *
Puʻu ʻŌʻō
Puʻu ʻŌʻō
Puʻu ʻŌʻō
Puʻu ʻŌʻō
Puʻu ʻŌʻō
USGSPuʻu ʻŌʻō
Hawaiian Volcano Observatory
 

 

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE **

July 5, 2007 23:00:06 to July 6, 2007 09:00:06
(10 hours 0 minutes and 0 seconds -- 1 frame per minute)

The Father's Day intrusion, described elsewhere on this Website, was accompanied by the collapse of the floor of Pu`u `O`o crater as lava withdrew from beneath the cone. The crater floor dropped about 100 meters in the center of the crater near the former Drainhole vent.

The crater began to refill with lava on July 2, primarily from a vent on the western part of the crater floor near the site of the former Beehive vent. The crater floor was quickly buried and the crater began to refill with lava. Early in the refilling process, the erupted lava partly drained back into the erupting west vent, then quickly emerged again. This movie highlights a large drainback followed by a smaller secondary drainback.


 

Volcanoes can be difficult to study up close and in person. Because it may be days, weeks, or even years between important events, it is not always possible to have observers on the ground. In addition, volcanoes are often inaccessible due to their remote location and/or harsh environmental conditions. When you throw an eruption into the mix, another level of complexity is added to what may be an already difficult and dangerous situation.

For these reasons, scientists at Hawaiian Volcano Observatory have, for years, built camera systems to act as surrogate eyes, and, with the rapid advances in digital camera technology, these eyes are seeing better and better. Many of you are probably already aware of the Pu`u `O`o webcam and the Mauna Loa webcam serving near-real-time pictures of these two active volcanoes. Time lapse camera systems supplement the webcams by providing an inexpensive alternative that can be rapidly and easily deployed. These camera systems have allowed Hawaiian Volcano Observatory scientists to document a variety of exciting volcanic processes that occur on active shield volcanoes. The following time lapse movies illustrate many of these processes.



 

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE **

Episode 57 West Vent Drainback (6.5 MB)
July 5, 2007 23:00:06 to July 6, 2007 09:00:06
(10 hours 0 minutes and 0 seconds -- 1 frame per minute)

The Father's Day intrusion, described elsewhere on this Website, was accompanied by the collapse of the floor of Pu`u `O`o crater as lava withdrew from beneath the cone. The crater floor dropped about 100 meters in the center of the crater near the former Drainhole vent.

The crater began to refill with lava on July 2, primarily from a vent on the western part of the crater floor near the site of the former Beehive vent. The crater floor was quickly buried and the crater began to refill with lava. Early in the refilling process, the erupted lava partly drained back into the erupting west vent, then quickly emerged again. This movie highlights a large drainback followed by a smaller secondary drainback.

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** 

Episode 57 East Vent Effusion (8.1 MB)
July 13, 2007 14:00:30 to 21:00:36
(7 hours 0 minutes and 6 seconds -- 1 frame per minute)

The Father's Day intrusion, described elsewhere on this Website, was accompanied by the collapse of the floor of Pu`u `O`o crater as lava withdrew from beneath the cone. The crater floor dropped about 100 meters in the center of the crater near the former Drainhole vent.

The crater began to refill with lava on July 2. Initially, a vent on the western part of the crater floor was the main vent, but from July 6 through July 13, the refilling of Pu`u `O`o crater was dominated by the effusion of lava from a vent on the east side of the crater. This movie shows the effusion of lava from the eastern vent. By this time, the volume of lava erupting from this vent had already begun to decrease. Unfortunately, the time-lapse camera capturing these images was having problems, so more active period of effusion from the eastern vent earlier in the week was not captured.

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** 

Drainhole Gas Pistons - Daytime (4.1 MB)
June 3, 2006 10:45:03 to 12:20:03
(1 hours 35 minutes and 0 seconds -- 1 frame per minute)

A very interesting phenomenon seen at Kilauea is "gas pistoning". It is caused by the accumulation of gas beneath a column of lava, such as in Pu`u `O`o's crater vents. As the accumulated gas rises, it pushes up the overlying lava (the "piston"). When the gas bubble reaches the surface, it bursts, sometimes as a forceful jet of fume and spatter. The lava then drains back into the vent. Gas pistons come in a range of sizes, dependent on the size of the gas bubble, and can occur as single events or as a repeating series of events. During late Spring of 2006, the Drainhole vent in Pu`u `O`o crater was hosting nearly continuously repeating gas pistons. This movie sequence from June 3, showing a series of three gas pistons, is a brief example of the gas pistoning that was occurring at that time. The vent opening seen here is about 8 meters across, and is inset within the greater Drainhole pit which is about 30 to 40 meters across.

Look at this Volcano Watch article for more information about gas pistoning.

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** 

Drainhole Gas Pistons - Nighttime (1.0 MB)
June 3, 2006 22:50:05 to June 4, 2006 01:00:04
(2 hours 9 minutes and 59 seconds -- 1 frame per minute)

Here is an example of gas pistoning at night at Drainhole vent (see the gas pistoning description above) also showing a series of three gas pistons. The vent opening in the movie is about 8 meters across, and is inset within the greater Drainhole pit which is about 30 to 40 meters across.

Look at this Volcano Watch article for more information about gas pistoning.

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** 

Drainhole Gas Pistons - Nighttime (842 KB)
June 28, 2006 00:01:24 to 02:15:24
(2 hours 14 minutes and 0 seconds -- 1 frame per minute)

This is a third example of gas pistoning at Drainhole vent, also at night, but from a slightly later time period after the floor of the Drainhole vent had collapsed. The pit, as seen from this angle, is about 30 meters across. Again, this is a series of three gas pistons, and the vertical change of the top of the lava pond is about 15 meters.

Look at this Volcano Watch article for more information about gas pistoning.

 



** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** 

MLK Vent Lava Fountaining (9.8 MB)
February 9, 2005 18:00:30 to February 10, 2005 07:38:32
(13 hours 38 minutes and 2 seconds -- 1 frame per minute)

For the past several years, much of the volcanic activity at Pu`u `O`o has been located at vents on the southwestern flank of Pu`u `O`o cone. One of the most recent of these flank vents is the Martin Luther King (MLK) vent. On February 9, 2005, a apparent surge of lava to Pu`u `O`o resulted in an episode of spattering and fountaining from the MLK vent. The largest cone, before the event, was about 6-7 meters high. The fountain reached a height of about 10 meters.

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** 

MLK Daily Sequence (9.6 MB)
April 2, 2004 to March 10, 2005
(spans 343 days -- 1 frame per day with some missing days)

A time lapse camera has been poised on the southern flank of Pu`u `O`o cone since early 2004. This location overlooks the Martin Luther King (MLK) vent and provides a distant view of the top of the Prince Kuhio Kalanianaole (PKK) tube system--the currently active tube system at Pu`u `O`o. This movie shows the long-term development of the MLK and PKK vents by stitching together one image per day from April 2004 to March 2005. Some days are missing due to bad visibility or broken cameras. Images were, in most cases, rotated and cropped to accomodate changes in camera position. One of the most interesting things this movie shows is the relatively rapid inflation and deflation of the lava surface around the MLK vent.

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** 

MLK Cone Collapse (1.2 MB)
May 2, 2005 05:30:04 to 07:30:02
(1 hours 59 minutes and 58 seconds -- 1 frame per minute)

During Spring 2005, activity at the Martin Luther King (MLK) vent changed from a period of construction to one of destruction. This was highlighted by the collapse of the main MLK spatter cone located in the center of the image sequence. The collapse was probably related to a gas piston event (see gas piston description above). The drainback of lava beneath the spatter cone, following a lava extrusion event, likely removed support of the overlying rock. The cone then fell into the resultant cavity. This behavior continued after the demise of the spatter cone, but was manifested as pond overflows like that seen in the next movie.

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** 

MLK Vent Overflow (1.3 MB)
May 10, 2005 16:21:29 to 18:30:29
(2 hours 9 minutes and 0 seconds -- 1 frame per minute)

After the collapse of the main spatter cone at the Martin Luther King (MLK) vent, the lava pond filling the new pit began to periodically overflow. These overflows, of which this movie is an example, were likely caused by gas pistoning as described above.

Also look at this Volcano Watch article for more information about gas pistoning.

 


 

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** 

East Lae`apuki Shatter Ring (1.0 MB)
October 16 , 2006 06:20:23 to 08:00:22
(2 hours 19 minutes and 59 seconds -- 1 frame per minute)

The feature seen here is called a shatter ring. It is a circular rampart of broken rock that forms over a lava tube when lava pressure in the tube repeatedly exceeds the strength of the overlying rock. Repeated flexing of the lava-tube roof breaks the rock around the edges of the mobile area. This shatter ring was active from late September to mid-October 2006, and, in this sequence, was about 55 m long and and 2.5 m high. The center of the shatter ring, which is not visible here, was about a meter lower than the lava surface outside the shatter ring. Thus, the center of the shatter ring uplifted about 5 meters during this event. Lava emerging from the base of the shatter ring is evidence of the overpressurization of the lava tube.

 


Ocean Entry Movies

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** 

East Lae`apuki Lava Delta Collapse (8.5 MB)
November 28, 2005 10:30:05 to 16:00:05
(5 hours 30 minutes and 0 seconds -- 1 frame per minute)

At 11:10 in the morning on November 28, 2005, the active lava delta at East Lae`apuki began to fall into the ocean. This was not a catastrophic collapse, with the entire 34-acre delta going at once, but instead occurred in a piece-meal fashion over a period of just less than 5 hours. The collapse removed the active East Lae`apuki delta, plus another 10 acres of the old sea cliff inland from the delta. The area of land removed was 830 meters long and 320 meters wide--this is more than half a mile long and just under a quarter mile wide!

For additional information see the Press Release or this Volcano Watch article. Also look at this HVO webpage describing the growth and collapse of lava deltas.

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** 

East Lae`apuki Bubble Bursts (10.0 MB)
May 29, 2006 10:45:46 to 19:30:49
(8 hours 45 minutes and 3 seconds -- 1 frame per minute)

The interaction of sea water and lava creates a volatile situation. When this happens inside the confined space of a lava tube, or a narrow, water-filled crack, the results can be impressive. In this movie, which was made from cropped images to give a close-up view, bursting lava bubbles put on quite a show for several hours. These were huge bubbles with some of the bigger bursts reaching in excess of 20 meters in height. At the location of the bubbles, a person would be about as tall as the numbers in the time lapse counter.

Bubble bursts and other types of explosive activity at ocean entries is described on this HVO webpage.

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** 

East Lae`apuki Tube Breakout (1.2 MB)
June 24, 2006 19:00:53 to June 25, 2006 01:00:55
(6 hours 0 minutes and 2 seconds -- 1 frame per minute)

After sunset on June 24, lava burst from the East Lae`apuki lava tube about 50 meters inland from the sea cliff. Lava reached and began cascading over the sea cliff within a minute, and quickly spread across the active delta below. The cascade was mostly crusted over by late afternoon on June 25, but intermittent surges kept it alive until dawn on September 26 when the event appeared to have finally ended. The sea cliff at the cascade location was about 15-20 meters high.

** PLEASE DESCRIBE THIS IMAGE ** 

East Lae`apuki Tube Breakout (1.2 MB)
Sept 21, 2006 18:00:02 to 23:59:05
(5 hours 59 minutes and 3 seconds -- 1 frame per minute)

Between the morning of September 20 and the evening of September 22, there were 10 separate breakouts from the East Lae`apuki tube about 50 meters inland from the sea cliff at the East Lae`apuki ocean entry. The breakout featured here was the most spectacular of the series with perhaps as many as twelve separate lava cascades over the sea cliff--depending on how you count them. The breakout started just after 4:00 PM when glare from the sun was at its worst. Thus, this movie sequence starts just before sunset when the view improves dramatically.

What I always thought was weird about those Watchtower pamphlets was how most of the dudes look like Hercules from those 50's/60's movies.

 

Read MORE » on DogmeatPuʻu ʻŌʻō Pu`u `O`o Crater Movies Pu`u `O`o Flank Vent Movies July 5, 2007 23:00:06 to July 6, 2007 09:00:06 (10 hours 0 minutes and 0 seconds -- 1 frame per minute) The Father's Day intrusion, described elsewhere on this Website, was accompanied b ...

Lewis and Clark Expedition if they were in a hurry! (flash)

Lewis and Clark Expedition if they were in a hurry!(flash)

Read MORE » on DogmeatLewis and Clark Expedition if they were in a hurry!(flash)Click image to play video ...

Predict an Eruption

Predict an Eruption

July 22nd eruption of Mount St. Helens showing large ash column

This presentation uses data from several eruptive episodes of Mount St. Helens in the 1980's to show the way in which a series of eruptions were accurately predicted by USGS scientists as far as 3 weeks before eruptive activity occurred. Several modules demonstrate the use of earthquakes and deformation of a volcano for predicting eruptions and allow you to predict an actual eruption of Mount St. Helens using data collected by scientists of the USGS Cascades Volcano Observatory.


Choose the screen size to fit your computer.


The presentation requires Macromedia's Flash Player. Also available is a text-only version.

Read MORE » on DogmeatPredict an Eruption This presentation uses data from several eruptive episodes of Mount St. Helens in the 1980's to show the way in which a series of eruptions were accurately predicted by USGS scientists as far as 3 weeks before eruptive activity occurre ...

US MINT ticker [FLASH]

<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"><body xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">

Read MORE » on Dogmeatvia usmint.gov Click image to play video ...

N EW YORK at a C ROSSROADS (flash Object)

<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"><body xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">

Read MORE » on Dogmeatvia governor.ny.gov Click image to play video ...

[FLASH] How to list attributes of a Water Valve

<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"><body xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">

Read MORE » on Dogmeatvia gims.houstontx.gov Click image to play video ...

cosmic_corridor NASA

<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"><body xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"><div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">

Read MORE » on Dogmeatvia mynasa.nasa.gov Click image to play video ...

Suicide Food (My old favorite vegan website SUPERSIZED by Instapaper)

Suicide Food

Dinner Fabulous

We have no idea what’s going on. We’ve got the vestige of a pig, done up like a delicious slice of cowboy, in a mustache and hat, with coiled lariat dangling from his… hand… area.

We’ve got the whole thing labeled fabulous, an adjective not traditionally associated with rugged outdoorsy types.

We haven’t been this confused since the strange case of Mort the He-Cow.

Or is that the whole point? As in this sign, ripe with similarly conflicting stereotypes of traditional sexuality, the pork’s sheer, stubborn absurdity is an attempt to overwhelm our sense of reason and order. Pork? Equally at home singing along to a Broadway show and roaming the rolling prairie? Wearing a campy mustache? Brandishing a lasso? Enjoying the masculine solitude of life on the ranch? Proclaiming his fitness for your consumption? Must… resist. Must… retain… sanity.

Luv-a-Duck

Luv-a-Duck, we are told, is “Australia’s Favourite Duck.” The praise does seem to have gone to the bird’s head. The way she lowers her eyes, tilting her bill—oh, she knows how they feel about her. She knows they think she’s something special, all right.

Now, we know and you know what they mean by “love” (pardon us: luv) and “favorite” (sorry: favourite). By the former, they don’t mean “feel profound tenderness toward or affection for.” And by the latter, they don’t mean “most esteemed.” Even a child knows that the Luv-a-Duck corporation means simply that they really like eating the things. They describe the flavo(u)r as “superior,” and remind us that duck “can be reheated and served as a prestige meal.”

But the matter that concerns us here is what the duck thinks. By her bashful pose, it’s clear she knows what form their luv takes. It is that ravening love that craves and devours, the all-consuming love (or, well, the duck-consuming kind, at least) that seeks union of a purely digestive sort. It sees the beloved as nothing more than aliment, a substance to be sacrificed and swallowed. What they love about the duck are precisely (and exclusively) those qualities she can embody only after she’s been destroyed. To which the duck replies, “Luv me as you will. I’m yours.” (Thanks to Dr. Kirsten for the referral.)

Woody’s Bodacious Barbecue

The most bodacious thing about this scene is how family is front and center. The cow, the pig, and the chicken—it’s the whole family of “food” animals, the Brotherhood of the Edible! And here, the whole gang has assembled for their own last supper. The spot they’ve chosen is right off a postcard, with the palm tree, the old prop plane pulling the banner encouraging passerby (passersunder?) to eat dead animals, and the mustachioed chef (Woody?) serving them all. The cow offers a toast (“To death!), they all eat well, and then they’re all well eaten. Good food, good friends, good-bye.

The perfect end to a perfect day life.

Bair’s Fried Chicken

It’s a snappy technique, so seamless you might not even be aware of what it’s doing to your brain. Like a roasting pig logo we discussed almost three and a half years ago, this image is up to something.

See how the meaning of fried changes from a state that only deliberate actions performed upon the chicken could bring about to a natural, inevitable result of lounging in the sunshine. It’s a crafty bid to shift focus and responsibility.

You didn’t fry the chicken or cause her to be fried! No, no! Far from it! The chicken is merely basking and drinking gravy (?) and being, you know, gently… fried. By the rays of the life-giving sun! And we wouldn’t want that naturally, passively fried chicken meat to go to waste now, would we? The chicken’s fried carcass is like a gift that nature has bestowed upon us.

Hogback Mtn BBQ Catering

We have to go all the way back to April, 2007 to find an antecedent for this thing, an image as raw and stuffed with casual menace, an image as ripe with hostility for the world. Renouncing every instinct, repudiating every natural impulse, the Hogback Mountain hog revels in a death-loving ecstasy.

He smears himself with barbecue sauce, the better to be cooked and basted. As he slathers it over himself, he smiles, at ease behind his Risky Business Ray-Bans. He might be applying sun screen before a day at the beach for all the concern he feels. One ear flopped over his face in perfect imitation of a teen’s wayward forelock, the hog laughs at himself. At us. At our feeble feelings of pity and disgust. They mean nothing to him. Not a single damned thing.

Skewering Training Center

Who will be the best skewered food item? Will it be the bell pepper for the third year in a row, or will the upstart onion make its mark?

What’s this? Two new competitors have entered the Skewering Training Center*, and they mean business. The chicken and pig have fire in their eyes and steel in their hearts, and—if all goes well—they’ll soon have a giant skewer running through their abdomens. They’re obviously quite pleased with their performance, and well they should be. Never have animals been impaled on a skewer so skillfully, their internal organs so neatly perforated, their peritoneums so thoroughly punctured. Vegetables can’t hope to compete with thinking, feeling, pain-suffering creatures. How could inanimate objects throw themselves onto sharp rods with anything like this kind of style? Look at them smiling, arms upraised in triumph. You can do it, chicken and pig! We believe in you! Years from now, when people think of the joy of being well and truly stabbed clean through, they’ll think of you! (Thanks to Dr. Daniela for the referral and the photo.)

*This is actually what this was (actually) called.

Festival of Cruelty 15: Forcible Testicle Removal

For those of you unfamiliar with our cringe-inducing Festival of Cruelty series (the last official entry was three and a half months ago, but there was also a Festival of Cruelty special report recently), here’s the gist:

Suicide food is all about deception. But some meat-promoting imagery is so nakedly honest in its depiction of pure contempt, its expression of such hatred for animals, that we find it almost refreshing. (Almost.) This is stuff that could stand a little camouflage, a little lipstick, a little stagecraft. At least a few bandages to hide the wounds. This isn’t suicide food. It’s murder food. And it’s instructive to dive into the cesspool now and then. What it teaches us, exactly, we have long since forgotten. So! Hold your nose and jump in and try not to drown in our newest, themed Festival of Cruelty.

Huntley (Illinois) Turkey Testicle Festival: As it turns out, some turkeys object to castration. This one clutches his savaged loins. He gapes in wordless horror, as though petitioning Heaven’s vacant throne. But most of all, he advertises an event whose foundation is the consumption of turkeys’ private parts. Do you see what we mean about cruelty? They don’t even bother dressing this up in the same old clichés of subservience, compliance, and victims identifying with their predators. It’s just shock, pain, and anguish.

Olean (Missouri) Jaycees Testicle Festival: We “love” the disdain implicit in this one. “Our volunteers make the difference,” they say as they show us this maimed cow wearing a button that identifies him as one of those volunteers! “No, no,” they proclaim, “that one’s a volunteer. He signed up to have his stuff hacked off! You saw the button, didn’t you?” It’s the most half-hearted disavowal in the history of people caught in the act, the equivalent of “Honest, officer! The dead guy was on the floor when I got there.”

Minnesota Testicle Festival: The call it the home of the Minnesota Tendergroin, because if there’s one thing people like more than eating an animal’s testicles while it watches, it’s making puns while they do it. (You should know that testicle festivals are hotbeds of suspect humor as well as viciousness.) Featured here is a former bull—he’s a steer now—who can only snort in impotent agony. While people laugh at him.

Thirteenth Annual “Calf Fry” Testicle Festival: The newly castrated can also take the stoic cowboy route, hoping to numb the pain with nothing stronger than beer and nicotine. But nothing can soothe the searing sting of degradation. Notice the barren landscape, the single tumbleweed an errant mark on a blank sheet of paper. It all serves to emphasize the castrato’s loneliness. He went from vigorous to victimized just like that, with no one to witness his turmoil but the uncaring sky.

Rock Creek Lodge: More craven snorting. This steer’s got a haunted, hunted look in his eyes. Which is only fitting, seeing as he’s been hunted down and the aftermath of what they’ve done to him will haunt him the rest of his days. Which—let’s look on the bright side—won’t number too many.

Outdoorama Turkey Testicle Festival: Is this turkey warding off the knives? Are his hands thrown up before him in an “Out of my way!” gesture? Either way, there’s no stopping them. There’s no getting between the hungry hordes and the poultry testicles they crave.

Addendum: We have, of course, seen castrated animals before. There was a steer, a turkey, and a different steer from way back. Improbably, it’s a motif that’s been with us through the ages.

Carne de Avestruz

Did you think ostriches were only sex objects? That’s a common misconception. No, they’re also corral-based bon vivants and rugged cowboys. And, as we now know, ostriches are superb athletes!

Like the Brazlian people, Brazilian ostriches enjoy futebol. And like the Brazilian people, Brazilian ostriches are deliciously healthy.

It’s curious, yet commonplace, this identification with one’s main dish. As though the way to induce consumers to choose this or that dead-animal product, you must first get them to see themselves in the lifeless eyes of the food on the plate. “This ostrich felt a patriotic pride toward my country. He enjoyed the same pastimes that give me pleasure. We’re not so very different, he and I. Now that our connection has been made plain, an undeniable bond, I will experiment and devour him.” Or, we… guess that’s how it goes? And through it all, for his part, the ostrich never stops selling. The intensity, the rah-rah boosterism, the countless hours devoted to training—it’s all part of his plan to pitch his kind as the perfect meat for a hungry Brazil. (Thanks to Dr. Clea for the referral.)

Uncle Dougie’s Barbecue Sauce

Cozying up to Death Chicken, the Devil’s Pecker, breathing the sulphur of his nethercoop, the pig and cow contemplate entering the next (which is to say, the last) stage of life’s journey. The chicken might appear mundane and harmless, with his striped Polo and How’s-everybody-doing demeanor, but take heed: Mefowlstopheles has come for their souls. And before long, as they gaze into his unblinking crimson eyes, they will surrender. They all do in the end. They will give themselves over to him and follow him down, down, down. Past the galleries of the shrieking dead, all the way to the River of Sauce. The river in which they can hope to forget.

Pigheaded BBQ

The pig’s plan is finally bearing fruit. By finding a way to mate with miniature cows and chickens—thereby rendering their offspring blessed with the pig essence so prized (it would seem) by humans—he shares with the rest of creation the joy he has known so intimately. It’s a strange plan, admittedly, and it involves some irksome mutants, but whatever. Here’s to the lovable crackpots who roll up their sleeves (or, in this case, tear them off), and get the job done! We’re not saying the pig is entirely altruistic, either. The wicked way he’s looking at his feckless spawn does give one pause.

Well? What of it? Why shouldn’t he get something in the bargain—in this case, the joy of killing and cooking—when he’s giving so much? He, who made the lowly cows and the dim chickens more palatable, more desirable as living, breathing pre-food. More piglike. Is he not their god? Do they not owe him everything? All the mightiest gifts—theirs!

Barbecue Coach

And here you thought the animals were simply blessed by their creator, endowed with the rich flavor and utter worthlessness that render them fit for nothing but death. Such innocence is almost touching.

No, the animals have to work at this stuff. Sure, some come by it naturally, but for most, it’s crack-of-dawn sweating and wind sprints. Like this chicken. Employing the vigorous whistle-tooting services of a coach, he hopes to be in fighting dying trim in time for the big event. It’s a lifelong dream, and the dedicated understand that achieving a dream takes hard work and stick-to-it-ive spirit. Lift those knees, bird! You think anyone’s going to want to eat you with drumsticks like that?

Rudolph’s Reindeer Meat

Rudolph—the decent, selfless reindeer beloved by millions of boys and girls—has an important message: “When you order reindeer, you make Santa smile.”

Yes, Santa (Santa Claus, that is) would appreciate it if you’d order reindeer meat. He likes ordering reindeer. Get it? Ordering reindeer? Like, ordering them around? What a country!

And because Rudolph’s such a doormat generous soul, this really is the most important thing he can think to share with you. Not “For the love of God, would someone please rescue me from what has become a nightmare of captivity and the ever-present stench of fear!” but instead “Don’t forget to pick up some dead reindeer on your way home!” Merry Christmas!

(Photo by Travis S.)

Addendum: Allow yourself to be haunted by this ghost of Christmas past. And this one, too, while you’re at it.

Landry’s Seafood Restaurants, Inc.

And then there’s this guy. He has certainly settled into his role as seafood with panache. A tawdry, leering panache, to be sure, but have you ever seen a crawfish with more self-confidence? Feet dangling in the ol’ briny, teeth clamped on a cigarette holder worthy of Thurston Howell, suspect mustache winking in the sun, he’s the very model of looking-out-for-number-one-ism. That he expresses his exceptionality by playing the part of foodstuff will discomfit no one familiar with our work.

He will be boiled and cracked apart, his pale flesh dug from his blood-red carapace, and he accepts it all—the attention, the adulation, the respect—as nothing less than his due.

Addendum: Or maybe he’s a lobster?

Addendum 2: An earlier Landry’s crustacean, this one exhibiting none of the moneyed importance of the current crawfish. Or lobster or whatever.

Read MORE » on DogmeatSuicide Food Dinner Fabulous We have no idea what’s going on. We’ve got the vestige of a pig, done up like a delicious slice of cowboy, in a mustache and hat, with coiled lariat dangling from his… hand… area. We’ve got the whole thing labeled fabulous, an adje ...