The Spoof : Top 10 Reasons Why Michael Jackson Has Not Been Buried Yet funny spoof magazine storyMichael Jackson, STILL lying in state in the Jackson family living room.
The top 10 reasons why Michael Jackson has not been buried yet are:
10. The family figures it can milk far more sympathy c.d. and memorabilia sales this way. In life, Michael Jackson struggled for decades to reach the record-smashing sales he achieved with 1983's landmark "Thriller" album. But since his unexpected passing on June 25 at the age of 50, the self-proclaimed King of Pop has once again become the most dominant musical figure on the planet. The Jacksons feel such revenue is much better than any plain old sympathy card!
9. The funeral home refuses to release the solid gold casket for burial until it is completely paid for, citing the Jacksons record of being deadbeats. The problem was that Michael Jackson's appetite for spending exceeded his cash inflows -- to the tune of $20 million to $30 million each year. Jackson died with as much as $500 million in unpaid debts.
8. He has been, but the ground keeps vomiting him back up. For example, on July 15, a magnitude 7.8 quake, the strongest in the world this year, struck off New Zealand's South Island during an attempted burial of Jackson there. Rob Valentine, the mayor of Hobart in Australia's island state of Tasmania, says New Zealand's biggest earthquake in 78 years pushed the neighbors 30 centimeters (12 inches) closer. Hobart is the Australian city nearest to New Zealand, separated by 1,530 kilometers (951 miles) of water across the Tasman Sea. Alarmed Australian officials demanded the immediate removal of Jackson's remains.
7. Katherine Jackson is broke, and the funeral home wants much more than the $255 Social Security Death Benefit to pay for its services, including flowers. Attorneys for Jackson's estate say: "We are informed that Mrs. Jackson was also financially dependent upon Michael Jackson and that other than extremely modest social security benefits, Mrs. Jackson has no independent means of support."
6. The family is waiting for all of the "RSVP"s to pour in for the burial itself. While the 17,500 tickets given away for the July 7, 2009 memorial service were free, the Jackson's have decided to charge $299 plus convenience and handling fees per ticket for the burial, citing Jackson's enormous debt at the time of his death and the huge public interest in his burial.
5. The Jacksons want to be sure they have located all of Michael's alleged children to invite to the burial to elicit as many heart-tugging moments possible. At the memorial on July 7, little Paris Jackson gave an impromptu speech from the stage surrounded by the Jackson family.
"I just want to say ever since I was born, Daddy has been the best father you can ever imagine," she said through tears. "And I just want to say I love him so much." The family is hoping for more such press-worthy moments and figures the more kids, the greater the chance of that happening.
4. The family is waiting to not only recover the portion of Jackson's brain removed by the Los Angeles Medical Examiner for study during autopsy but all of his other o.b.p. (original body parts) removed during his numerous plastic surgeries through the years, because they want to be sure to bury all of him at one time. Michael Jackson underwent numerous skin whitenings, several nose surgeries, and other procedures to slim down his face and alter its shape. Cosmetic surgery specialists also have speculated that Jackson probably had many more cosmetic surgery procedures, not too difficult to miss if you know what you're looking for. As Jackson got thinner, whiter and more Caucasian appearing, he looked less like himself and more like a caricature of what he thought a white person should look like.
3. The Jacksons are hoping to hold out until after the child custody hearing on August 3, 2009 to have him buried to make sure whoever gets custody of the children also inherits the burial bills, kind of a get three (or maybe only two), take one corpse free arrangement. Legal experts have said that Debbie Rowe has a strong claim to the older children as their biological mother, and if she attempted to win custody now, Jackson's family would have to convince a judge that it would not be in the children's best interest to live with her.
2. They are waiting for all the postmortem drug induced activity amongst Jackson's various organs to die down before commending him to the grave. "It is quite disconcerting to still see his organs doing the moon walk by themselves over a month after he was declared legally dead and we can't bear to part with them until all activity ceases" said an unknown family member.
1. Michael Jackson is not really dead. It has all been a huge publicity stunt to get out of debt. It worked.